Drunk Texts From Galactus
by Uskius
Summary: One of the most powerful beings on the multiverse is getting his drink on! As the Silver Surfer and Stardust deal with Galactus' drunken ramblings, will they be able to get to bottom of the problem before it's too late?
1. Galactus Gone Wild

The Silver Surfer hovered high in Earth's atmosphere, drinking in the planet's beauty as it revolved beneath him. Then his cellphone buzzed. Checking the number he could see it was from his boss- Galactus. Opening up the text message, it read: " _ABdnfA* lfd) eRon#b."_

Perplexed, the Surfer texted back, " _Sir…?"_ There was no immediate reply, so Surfer descended towards the planet, getting a slightly closer look. He wouldn't admit it to many- or any, really- but planet watching was his favorite hobby. Not the cold and calculating kind of survey to see if the planet would be fit for the boss' consumption, but something deeper. Alas, the Surfer's silence was interrupted by another buzz.

" _Sorry brah, just butt dialed as I was grinding with Stardust lol"_ Surfer dropped his phone, the device clanging off his board and dropping towards the surface of the Earth. Several moments went by in shock before he recovered and and dove down to catch it. There was another text waiting for him when he recovered it. " _GTFIH, bro."_

" _What's going on?"_

" _Throwing a ship-wide rager! Gitcho azz out here stat!lol"_ Surfer sighed and shook his head, surfing through hyperspace instead of teleporting to the Taa 2.

Surfing at greater than light speed, it took a few hours to reach the ship. Though Surfer wasn't sure how, he could swear he heard music playing from outside the ship. Teleporting in, he was immediately assaulted by a cosmically loud dubstep song; inexplicably, a large cigar containing some unknown substances was pressed into his hand. "HAVE YOU SEEN GALACTUS?" Surfer yelled at a tentacled alien.

"HE'S ON THE BRIDGE! HEY, WANNA GRENFELZ BEFORE YOU HEAD OVER THERE?"

"NO THANKS, I'M GOOD." After walking through the strobing multi-colored lights for a moment, Surfer just gave up and teleported to the bridge. The music was even louder, if possible, and with so many alien races attempting to dance with each other, Surfer was wondering if he'd already taken a few hits from the cigar. Still, there was no sign of the boss' distinctive helmet anywhere in sight, so Surfer teleported to his quarters to get away from the music.

Even in his quarters there was no relief. "Can I Touch You There" by Michael Bolton was playing at high volume, and nearly as loud was what sounded like Galactus and several females thoroughly enjoying themselves. Turning the corner to the space where he meditated and slept, he saw Galactus, in his bed, with several aliens with him. Stardust was passed out near the window, a thin haze of glittering light pooled on the floor around her bottom half. Grateful he couldn't blush, Surfer teleported to a mountain in the Himalayas on Earth, and sat down on a boulder. Though the cigar was very tempting at the moment, Surfer put it out and looked down the slope. Minutes later, his phone buzzed again. It was Galactus- " _Dude wtf was that back there?!"_

" _What was what?"_

" _I thought I saw you for a moment; they thought I called out the wrong name. Names."_

" _You should apologize to Stardust."_

" _You kiddin' me brah, neither of us will remember this tomorrow lol"_

" _I will."_

" _Dude, chillax lol. Anyways it's fine, I've known for ages Stardust has wanted The Power Cosmic so hard, and-"_ Before he could finish the sentence, Silver Surfer turned off his phone and set it down, and then picked up the cigar and lit it...


	2. Trolling tha' Interwebz

About to merge with the cosmos to survey planets to be conquered and feasted on, Stardust heard her cell phone ring. Wondering who could be calling her in this corner of the galaxy, she let it ring on, enjoying the song for a moment. The ringing ceased, she began to prepare to merge with the cosmos again when her text message alert sounded. With a sigh she opened the text, her aura beginning to warm when she saw who it was from.

" _lol Star Star Star, you gotta check this out lil"_

" _Yes, my lord?"_

" _lol I can almost here the neckbeards howling from out hear"_

" _Do they need to be quelled before you feast on their planet, my lord?"_

" _LOL naw, too much comedic value to off that little blue marble just yet."_

" _Are you referring to Earth, lord?"_

" _Yeah. I just found out I have a page on this website of theirs called Wikipedia."_

" _Lord, perhaps we should erase this profile or have the site taken down."_

" _lawl are you kidding me? sending you a screenshot, hold on."_ Her aura warming further, Stardust wondered what exactly the screenshot was of. But, alas, her fantasy was shattered when she opened the text. " _dId you get the text?"_

" _Yes."_

" _The screenshot is of the old page."_

Stardust zoomed in on the image, and quickly scanned the article for threatening information. " _They do not seem to believe you are real, my lord, and they have also vastly underestimated your power."_

" _haha yeah ikr, anyhoo I'm sending you the link to the new page."_

In just a moment the text arrived. Following the link, Stardust read the newly shortened page several times over, very perplexed. " _Sir, I do not understand the change you made."_

" _Ah cmon Star, that chiz is straight gold lpl"_

"' _Galactus' anus will be teh salvation of all mankind #Benghazi'? What is the significance to this that I missed, my lord?"_

" _the significance is that I hacked there system to perma-lock the page lol"_

" _...Will this be enough to distract these neckbeards or should I step in, my lord?"_

" _oh hey now that you mention that I'mma go make the Avenger's page redirect to fisting."_

" _Does fisting refer to that touching of knuckles humans seem to be so fond of?"_

" _LAWL oh Star, you precious little snowflake/ Lemme send you another link."_ Eagerly awaiting the next text from Galactus, when Stardust opened it she was very surprised and oddly intrigued by the video in the link. Looking around, Stardust flew behind a barren moon and continued watching...


	3. Rock Bottom pt 1

Stardust was on her way to survey a new planet when she heard her text message alert. Figuring it was either the Silver Surfer or Galactus, she decided to take a moment to check it and answer. Sure enough, it was from Galactus. " _I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle and I need someone to hold me."_

Stardust was puzzled; though she was confused, she felt her aura warming slightly. " _Held in what way, my lord?"_ She texted back.

" _You're an Ethereal, you woodn't understand. Sumetomes I just need to cuddle."_

There was a warm pulse through her aura, but Stardust tried to remain calm. " _May I ask what the situation is, lord?"_

" _I need him."_

" _Do you mean the Surfer? I can contact him for you. He is a physical being, and may partake in cuddling with you."_

" _Not the Silver Surfer, I need HUM."_

Stardust stared at her phone for a moment, unsure of what was going on. " _I am sorry, my lord, but I don't know who you are referring to."_

" _I"m just tired of this, Stra."_ Galactus texted back. " _There's just so much I want to give, and I think it"S tome."_

" _Give what to who?"_

" _You DON"T undrestand; have you ever been balls deep in s binturong on top of the Space Needle witj noone to cry for you? "_ Galactus wailed into his phone.

" _...Should I fetch a binturong for you, my lord?"_ Stardust waited for her master's reply, but none came. The minutes stretched out and her phone remained silent, so Stardust searched on, approaching the planet...


	4. Rock Bottom pt 2

The Silver Surfer checked his phone again, to make sure it wasn't his imagination. Indeed, he was getting a text message, despite being in an almost empty corner of the universe. It was from Galactus, of course. With a mental sigh, the Surfer opened it.

" _i Meed him.."_

" _Is this about Stan Lee again?"_

" _Np= but if yoi cam get his autigraph, please…"_

" _Then who is it, sir?"_ The Surfer texted, getting another text from Galactus just before he hit send.

" _I neef him so bas…"_ The Surfer hit send and waited a moment, Galactus texting back quickly. " _You knpw who…"_ The Silver Surfer thought over this as he looked long at the planet he had been surveying.

" _Do you mean The One, Galan?"_

" _Wjo the focl is Galan?"_ The Silver Surfer facepalmed, wondering what substance or drink could get Galactus himself to forget his own name. Surfer's phone buzzed again; another text from Galactus. " _nVm just Foogled it, sorry. But yeah, The One, Norron."_

Hesitantly, the Surfer replied, " _Are you absolutely certain, Galan? 100% sure?"_

" _WHY WOUKD I TELL YOI UNLESS I WAS SHURE? If you do 2 thing for me, let ir be thos."_

The Silver Surfer stared at his phone for a while, a number of conflicting emotions and thoughts swirling through him. " _Very well. I'll bring him by the ship."_ Focusing for a moment, the Silver Surfer merged with the cosmos, searching until he recognized the thoroughly distinct presence he was looking for. A moment more of focus, and he teleported there. The planet had a sparse and rugged beauty to it, the landscape reminding the Surfer of mountains on the man's home planet. Surfer could tell he was immediately noticed, though the man didn't turn to look. The Surfer walked over to stand next to where the man sat on the mountainside. "...Why are you so far away...?"

The man looked over at the Surfer, an age far beyond his years showing in his eyes. "I don't belong on my home any more than he belongs on his."

"Your entire life could have passed without you being needed."

The man stood, rubbing the week's worth of beard on his chin. "...Could." He turned to the Surfer, looking him in the eye. "He's made the decision?" The Surfer nodded. "...Alright. Take me to him." The Silver Surfer got back on his board, leaving some room. With a second of concentration the Surfer teleported to the Taa 2, appearing just outside Galactus' chambers.

"Do you need me to step away?"

"No, I'm pretty sure you could survive it." Though that wasn't exactly what the Surfer meant, it was good to know. He had an odd desire to witness the moment.

"Ah, forgive me. I think Stardust should be here as well…" The One shrugged, and a moment later, the Surfer reappeared with Stardust. Though he had heard of her, he had never seen her in person, and had assumed she would look like the Silver Surfer. As he took in her tall shimmering form, he got the sense she wasn't pleased with the moment. With a wave of his hand, the Surfer unlocked and opened the doors to Galactus' quarters.

The One looked to the Silver Surfer and Stardust, then walked in. Though the chambers were magnificently furnished, he kept his eyes down on the floor as he walked forwards. As they neared Galactus' room, the Silver Surfer could feel The One's power unfolding, the shuddering astral terror of it starkly contrasting his decidedly normal Earthling appearance.

When Galactus came into view in his reflection chambers, Stardust sensed the intent of The One's power as it thrummed strongly through the air. "I can't let you do this," She said, stepping in front of him.

"This is literally the only thing I ever have to do," He said with a sigh. "Let me do it and you'll never see me again." Stardust remained silent and unmoved in front of him, and he sighed and closed his eyes. "If you have a problem, talk to him about it before I start." Opening his eyes, Stardust still stood in his way. The One raised his hand, a column of golden light shooting up from him as he flickered like a hologram for a moment before he disappeared. He reappeared next to Galactus, the burden of his power fully unfurled. The smothering, humming pressure of his presence intensifying, The One turned to the Surfer. "Why isn't he awake?"

Stardust settled down nearby, though the man's presence was growing increasingly unnerving and uncomfortable. She answered simply, "He seems to take small naps after drinking."

"D- _drinking? YOU MEAN YOU BROUGHT ME HERE WHEN HE WAS PASSED OUT DRUNK?!_ " Galactus mumbled in his sleep, but wasn't awoken by The One's shouting.

"He made the decision himself," The Silver Surfer answered. 'Look, I still have the text messages." The Surfer got out his phone and showed The One the texts from Galactus.

"Stan Lee…? Couldn't even remember his own name…" The One whispered to himself, shaking his head as he handed the Surfer phone back. "I'm not doing this now. From now on, my condition is that he be awake, lucid, and sober when making the decision. Is that clear?"

"Yes. Would you like to go back to Lanug?"

"As soon as you can, please." The One answered the Surfer. Letting The One onto his board, the Silver Surfer teleported them away, leaving Stardust alone with Galactus. She looked at her master, and the bottle in his grip, and wondered what, if anything, there was for her to do to help him...


	5. Game Night pt 1

The Silver Surfer was planet watching Earth when he got the text. " _Dude, you'll never guess who's spending the night lel"_ The Surfer wasn't particularly sure he would want to guess, but in any case moments later Galactus sent a picture that very nearly sent the Silver Surfer into a depthless pit of despair: Galactus, sitting at a card table, with the titan Thanos drunkenly grinning over one shoulder, and Death casually standing with her arms folded next to the other.

Going for sarcasm, the Silver Surfer texted back, " _Looks fun. I'm sure there's no way any of you will end up doing something you regret tonight."_

" _Hellz yeah bruh lol dAt c-c-cosmic sauce will keep things movin' ha"_ Surfer calmly put his phone down on his board and sat down cross-legged at its front. After the ordeal with The One the other day, the Surfer and Stardust had had a talk about who and/or what might be responsible for their boss' recent behavior. The alcoholic beverages from Earth and other similar planets was immediately ruled out; further complicating the search were the fact there were almost no intergalactic adult beverage dealers. Interrupting his train of thought was another text. " _wE just started playing strip poker/ Thanps has already lost that dubmass helmet thingy of his lol"_

" _Um, sir, you DO remember that Lady Death technically doesn't have a body, right?"_

" _Have you ever heard of blackmail, bro? hahaha This chiz should keep Thanos out of my hair for decades"_ The Silver Surfer closed his eyes and massaged his temples for a minute. Thanos was literally the absolute LAST person any sane being would try to blackmail or humiliate. If this kept going on, he might have to borrow his boss' old standby of staging a diversion with the Fantastic Four if he wanted to slow down the disaster.

The Surfer was preparing to head back to the Taa 2 when he got another text. Surprisingly, it was from Stardust. " _Did you get the picture, too?"_

" _The one with Thanos and Lady Death?"_

" _Who is Lady Death? I meant this one."_ The attached picture was one of Thanos down to only his underwear(briefs, the Surfer noted) wearing two party hats on his chest. Quickly and quietly, the Silver Surfer made the image his phone's wallpaper and lock screen.

" _No, didn't get that one. Where are you at?"_

" _I had been taking a break on one of the planets orbiting the ship."_

As the Surfer was debating whether or not he should pick up Stardust and head over to the Taa 2, he got another text. This one was from Galactus. " _Thonas is a total lightweight lol. three shits of the cosmic sauce and he's already lost his ability to bluff."_ As soon as he was done reading it, another text from Galactus came in. " _Aw shit Death just lost her first hAnd "_ Soon after came another text, with an attached picture. " _Probly should of seen this coming lol"_ The shot was of Death without her top, the flowing garment discarded to reveal ribs and bones without a trace of flesh on them.

" _I think we need to step in before this goes too far,"_ Silver Surfer texted Stardust.

" _Will you come by soon?"_ She answered.

" _Right away."_ But just as the Surfer prepared to teleport to Stardust, another text from Galactus came in.

" _Thonas just put down a 2-3-5-5-6 straight flush. lol wHo does this purple bitch thonk he is:"_ The Silver Surfer looked over to the moon, wondering what he did to deserve this. " _dAmn, didn't check mo hand, got a 6 high. 'bOutta use the power cosmic to give Death a royal flush"_ Hoping beyond hope that wasn't a euphemism for something, the Silver Surfer turned off his phone and teleported across the cosmos to Stardust.


	6. Game Night pt 2

The Silver Surfer had done his research, and was on his way towards the planet when he got the text- it was from Galactus. " _Were taking a break from those boring-ass diplomatic talks you suggested."_

" _Understandable. How have they gone?"_

" _pRetty shitty, actually. Thanos just astc like a imature butthead with Death around. Like danm bro, calm dat thrist of yours smh"_

To be honest, the Surfer had only suggested the negotiations so another incident like the disastrous poker game the other night wouldn't happen again; he knew full well there was no reasoning with Thanos when Death was around, and that there was almost literally no way to get the better of Death in any negotiations. " _Perhaps try talking with them individually away from the table?"_

" _Nah, they're kinda bitter right now."_

" _Why, what happened?"_

" _The pooker game we finished a couple hours ago."_

A chill crept down the Silver Surfer's spine. " _And… how did the game go?"_

" _pT. 1L 'twas fraily epic, Thonas hit the cosmic sauce hard adn early, but Death's bluff game was shit-hpt, neither of us could touch her the first few hands. She actually won with a four high."_ The Surfer groaned at seeing the "cosmic sauce" mentioned, and awaited the next text. It arrived quickly. " _Pt. : I had to sip summa dat drank to up my bluuf game, but before I knew it-"_ The Surfer facepalmed, dreading what came next. " _I was a teensy bit tispy and bet the Taa 2. I wpn, but it gave Thanos ideas…"_ The Silver Surfer was genuinely starting to get scared now; if he could sweat, he would. " _PT/ 3: He bet this weird-ass looking gold gauntlet thing of his, looked pretty boss, but Death got all tense when he put it on the table, so I Kwen shit has just got real. I had a full house"_

"'Gauntlet thing'? Does he- mean…" Right as it hit the Silver Surfer, the next text from Galactus came in.

" _So I- oh PT, 4: SO i won that hand, got a couple planets on the sode. I knew I had 'em so I bet the Ultimate Nullifier, even tho I only had like a two pair. Death did somethong with the power cosmic-"_ The Surfer shakily prepared a text to send, but was interrupted by another incoming text from Galactus. " _Pt. ^: But it was really damn obvious she'd done something, but, Thonas said I was trying to cheat, so he said to be fair we should all put down without swapping, I was like whatevs, got too pair."_

The Surfer sent the text he'd typed. " _WHO WON THE HAND?!"_

" _Chill out, bro lol"_ Galactus texted back. A few moments later he sent another text. " _But Death was actually the one taht cheated, she changed my cards to a bunch of rnadom shit. She had a straight flush, but that S/O/B/ Thonas had a royal one and took the hand."_

After Galactus' recent drunken behavior, the Silver Surfer thought he'd seen it all and that nothing could really faze him anymore. He was wrong. He wasn't sure what terrified him more: a drunken Galactus with the Infinity Gauntlet, or a wronged and hurt Thanos with the Ultimate Nullifier. Trying to calm his mind, the Surfer texted back, " _Sir, I would highly suggest you and Thanos trading back the Gauntlet and the Nullifier."_

" _You kidding me? I just found out this gauntlet dealio can do craploads of spiffy stuff."_

" _I WILL DESTROY THE TAA 2 IF YOU DON'T TRADE IT BACK."_

" _Seriously, just chill, Nirrin. If it's so bad why dont you just get The One to pick it up/"_

" _Galan, do you remember what he said to you about the power cosmic and being a hero?"_

" _Oh yeah, lol. nvm I dunno, just trick the Fantastic Four into doing it or something, that always works."_

" _How? At this point, I'm sure at least one of them would suspect something was going on soon after I show up."_

" _uH, Maeyb you could say The One is on a missoin to kill me? Ive always thought that would be a good one."_

" _Galan, he is far too straightforward and stubborn to be anywhere near the Ultimate Nullifier. NO."_

" _Aw come on, who else besides you, him, and the FF could do it? Plz? Tell him I'll owe him a favor."_

" _You know what? Fine. I give up, I'll try it. Maybe this mess will help teach you to stop drinking,"_ The Silver Surfer texted bitterly. He shut off his phone, and gazed towards a distant star. "There's just no way this will end well for any of us…"


	7. Attack on Titan

The air in the spaceship was tense. The Silver Surfer wasn't sure how, but not only did the Fantastic Four agree to the mission, The One did, as well. His phone buzzed, a text message would be waiting for him. Unlocking his phone and checking the message- from Galactus- it read, " _Is he wearing the pibk tutu?"_ The Silver Surfer glanced over at The One.

" _Yes, he's wearing the tutu."_

" _Alright, that"s pretty station. Get a pic for me?"_

The Silver Surfer sighed. " _Sir, he only agreed to wear it on the condition that he wouldn't be photographed."_

" _So what? lol You know you can just lie sometimes, right?"_ Surfer looked over at the one: he was staring out of the ship's window, lost in his thoughts. Seeing a download notification, the Surfer quickly snapped a photo of The One and immediately aimed his phone at Susan Richards, The Invisible Woman, who was in the seat in front of him.

"What'd you take a picture of me for?" She asked, bemused.

"Just a little something to commemorate the occasion," The Silver Surfer lied.

"Huh. I guess this is the first time we've been upfront with helping each other out, isn't it?" Reed Richards(A.K.A. Mister Fantastic) said from the seat in front of the Surfer.

"Could I get a picture of you, as well?"

"Sure." Reed twisted his neck around and stretched it up above the seat for the Surfer, who took the shot.

"And since when did you get a smartphone, anyways?" Sue asked.

"Galactus heard of them a few months ago, and he decided it would be beneficial to be able to communicate with us while we are away from the Taa Two."

"I bet the long distance charges are killer!" Johnny Storm said from up at the front of the ship.

"Contrary to your Earth cell phones, I'm not bound to a network. My and Stardust's phones work on the power cosmic." The Surfer heard Sue mumble something about her network, and then he sent the picture he'd taken of The One. Next he checked the download, and saw it was called "Power Cosmic On the Go". Before he could open it, he got another text from Galactus.

" _LOL sWeet!"_

" _Sir, you DO know what he'll do if he finds out about the picture, right?"_

" _Yup, that's why I had you take its only been a couple days and I alreadu miss the gauntlet../"_

" _Galan, there was just too much that could go wrong with you wielding it."_

" _wEll yeah, but I"m not drunk ALL the time. I had some good ideas for it."_

" _Such as…?"_

" _Making Godizlla real. lol Just imagine the shitstorm that would start."_

The Silver Surfer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. " _So what's this 'Power Cosmic On the Go' app? I'm fairly certain I didn't put it on my phone."_

" _Yeah I sent it to you and Stardust, it's for When you need to temporaruly make someone a herald or something like that."_

"Who are you texting?" Sue asked, curious.

"The boss."

"Galactus? That's gotta be loads of fun," Sue said with a bit of sarcasm. The Surfer stared at her blankly. "What? That was just a joke, he can't be _that_ bad." The Surfer shook his head, and turned back to his phone.

" _So how does the app work?"_ The Silver Surfer texted to Galactus.

" _It should come with a tutorial, I tHink."_ With a shrug, the Silver Surfer opened up the app. There was a glowing ring around the tutorial button that softly pulsed; the Surfer tapped it, and immediately a descending series of notes played on a horn sounded. There was an indistinct cry of something that sounded like "apple dough!", and an Earth male with a muscular physique wearing colorful clothes walked onto the screen.

" _Heyyo, welcome to Power Cosmic On the Go! Is the champ not there? Well, following these simple steps, you'll learn how to use the app and give an attitude adjustment to your enemies! Step one-"_ The app's instructor continued, holding up a finger. " _Tap the camera icon, and select a target. Go on, I'll be waiting."_ The app's instructor walked offscreen, leaving just two main buttons: the camera one, and one that read "tag out". Surfer tapped the camera button, and his phone's camera opened up. The app instructor poked his head in from the side of the screen. " _Once you've got your tag partner chosen, double tap the screen to lock on. That'll bring up that strength selector."_ The Surfer aimed his phone's camera at The One and double-tapped the screen; an orange strip at the bottom of his screen had bubbles with numbers from one to ten. Looking in from the side of the screen again, the app's instructor said, " _This is where you give out some of that power cosmic! Double tap the one if you won't need much help, and you can go all the way up to ten if you really need help putting your enemy's chump ass down for the three second tan. Go ahead and pick a number."_ Shrugging, the Surfer double-tapped ten. A thumbnail of the picture he'd taken with the app popped up, as did the "tag out" button and "confirm" and "one more" buttons. The instructor leaned in from the side, pointing at the buttons. " _Hit that confirm button to tag in your new partner. With the one more button, you can add up to three more partners to tag in. Now that tag out button- when the match is over, you can hit it to bring up the strength selector, and that'll let you pick how much of that power cosmic you need to take back. A'ight? For now, just hit confirm."_ The app tutorial's instructor walked offscreen again, and the Surfer hit confirm. The app cut to a short video of the camera rapidly approaching the instructor, who stood behind a rope next to a post. It faded out to white, and the Surfer's phone warmed for a moment.

"What…?!" The One was looking down at his hands, which were trembling as a glow spread from them. Extending his cosmic senses, he found that the app had indeed imparted a large measure of the power cosmic, despite the Silver Surfer only running the tutorial. He went to the tag out feature as fast as he could, but when he double-tapped ten and then hit confirm, nothing happened.

The Silver Surfer texted Galactus, " _Galan, we may have a problem on our hands. Did you make the app when you were drinking?"_

A few moments later, the reply from Galactus came back. " _Maaaaybe. But so what? Even sober me would admit it was an awespme idea to get John-"_ The Surfer closed his eyes and shut off his phone, and leaned back in his seat. Though he didn't understand it fully, he knew that the power The One carried would react to the power cosmic, transforming it in some way.

"How close are we to Titan?" The Silver Surfer called up to Ben Grimm, who was piloting the ship.

"Right now we're still a few hours away," He called back.

"Did I seriously just hear the _Silver Surfer_ ask if we're there yet?" Johnny asked from beside Ben.

"A potential problem has come up that I need to talk with Galactus about in person."

"One more important than getting the Ultimate Nullifier from Thanos?" Sue asked, eyebrow raised.

The Surfer looked over at The One, who surprisingly had retained his human form after being given the power cosmic; though, the the glow had faded from him and now it was more as if the light around him was brighter. He debated how much he should reveal about the role The One had been born into, and eventually settled on, "...Potential problem are the key words here."

"If it's really that serious, Ben could switch on the hyper drive and get us there in a few minutes," Reed suggested.

"That would be ideal," The Surfer replied.

"Alright! Everyone strap in!" Ben Grimm called over his shoulder. With a flick he switched on the hyper drive, and the cosmos became a blur on the windows as the silvery ship raced towards Titan.

A few breathless minutes later, the ship touched down on the surface. "I'll head out first," The Silver Surfer volunteered. Stepping out of the air lock, the Surfer used the power cosmic to make the air on Titan breathable for the Fantastic Four and The One, and turned his phone back on to text Stardust. " _Tell Galactus there's something I need to discuss with him once I get back to the Taa 2."_

" _Where are you?"_

" _The ship just landed on Titan. Talk to you later."_ As the Surfer was about to turn his phone back off, he got another text- this one from Galactus.

" _Dude, I troed texting you but you had ur phone off! wHat gives?"_

" _The power cosmic app is bugged, I couldn't take back the power cosmic it gave The One."_

" _sO? the power cosmic is some pretty cool stuff, that ian't so bad."_

" _Look, we're on Titan now. Once we're done with Thanos The One and I will be back to speak with you in person."_

" _Aw damn, you're early. lol I giess that's the problem with time being relative and all that jazz. ;D"_ The Silver Surfer wondered what semicolon capital d stood for for a moment, then walked back to the ship.

"I've stabilized the air and temperature in the area between the ship and the hall. It should be safe for you all to come out."

"Thank goodness," Reed said. "It'll be great to stretch my legs after-"

"DAMMIT REED, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?!" Sue interrupted. "That wasn't even funny the first time you made that joke!" Ben Grimm cleared his throat, and the Silver Surfer silently led them out of the ship, noting out of the corner of his eye The One was no longer surrounded by light.. A brief shock ran through him when he saw Thanos standing a short walk from the ship, Ultimate Nullifier in hand.

"...When I got the call the other day, I couldn't believe it." Thanos began. "After so many battles- no, _wars_ \- fought to keep the gauntlet from me, here it was, being offered up on a silver platter." Thanos paused, noting the grim faces of the Fantastic Four. "I will admit I made a mistake in partaking in drunken revelry with Galactus and losing it, but I won't apologize. That 'Cosmic Sauce' of Galactus' is sublimely fucking delicious. Now," Thanos said, fake clearing his throat for dramatic effect, "That brings us to the matter at hand. While I gained this device you call the Ultimate Nullifier in my drunkenness, I have studied it thoroughly while sober. And I realized, if you would be willing to hand the Infinity Gauntlet back to me in exchange for it, then it must be of some... _importance_."

"The Ultimate Nullifier belongs with Galactus," The Silver Surfer replied, "In much the same way you would say the Infinity Gauntlet belongs with you. And, you have seen the power of the gauntlet to its logical conclusion. My master is confident its abilities will not be misused."

"That may be, but your master has also been a drunken jackass for the last few weeks, so it is not his judgement that I would be trusting at the moment."

"Look," Said Reed, stepping forwards. "You agreed to the deal. We can draw this out, or it can be very simple, like this: you will hand me the nullifier, I will stretch my arm back into the ship so that we are all in your sight the whole time, and then hand you the Infinity Gauntlet. It's as easy as that."

"No."

"I beg your pardon…?"

"I said no," Thanos reaffirmed. "I have changed my mind, and have decided to keep the Ultimate Nullifier. As you said a moment ago, I have taken the power of the Infinity Gauntlet and its gems to their logical conclusion. This, however," Said Thanos, looking at the Ultimate Nullifier, "Is deviously simple. It only does one thing, but it does it _extremely_ well. And that thing just so happens to be something that I am very, very fond of doing-" Thanos paused as The One walked up to him. Lightning fast, The One snatched the Ultimate Nullifier out of Thanos' hand, and turned away before a column of light burst out from him and he flickered and vanished. "...What? No, seriously- what."

"I don't know," Ben said with a shrug. "First time I've ever seen a man in a pink tutu with the bal- I mean, the…" The silence stretched out, tense and fragile. Then, without warning, a pillar of light split the air in front of Thanos, the Infinity Gauntlet appearing in the midst of it. After the light faded the gauntlet hovered in the air for a moment before dropping to the dust at Thanos' feet.

Johnny sighed, and shook his head. "Didn't even bother to come back out of the ship." Another silence appeared as Thanos picked up the gauntlet and inspected it.

"The Infinity Gauntlet appears to be genuine. I trust that this exchange has been satisfactory?" The Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer nodded. "Very well, then. I look forward to killing you soon." Turning on his heel, Thanos walked away.


	8. Sober

Stardust was on her way back from the liquor store. The Silver Surfer had checked the other location yesterday; over the last couple weeks they had been taking turns scoping out the few intergalactic liquor stores. This was the last one, and it was a disappointment, like all the others were: none of them carried the drink Galactus call "Cosmic Sauce".

" _I am returning from the store…"_ Stardust texted the Silver Surfer. She almost hesitated to send the next text, but she assumed he would know what was coming and typed it up. " _It does not carry Cosmic Sauce."_

After a few moments Surfer's reply came, another text coming in right as Stardust opened it. " _Figured as much. Let's meet on one of the planets orbiting the ship and plan our next move."_

The other text was from Galactus. " _i Need help..,"_

" _Is it urgent, sir?"_

" _Kind of. I joined pInterest a wekk ago and I"ve been one ever sonce…"_

Stardust stared at the texts, her aura sparking. Despite the intervention Surfer and The One had staged, Galactus ignored them all and had kept up his drinking. She angrily shut off her phone and continued speeding towards the Taa 2…

~oOo~

The Silver Surfer was running out of ideas. None of the stores he knew of sold Cosmic Sauce, his knowledge of chemistry and biology hadn't been able to help him determine what the Cosmic Sauce might consist of, The One's withering stare and blunt and abrasive lecture had no effect, and even after the debacle with the poker games and the Power Cosmic on the Go app Galactus still wouldn't listen to him. There had to be _something…_ His phone vibrating, Surfer picked it up to see if Stardust had sent him another text.

" _Stardust doesnt wanna talk, heh"_

" _I can't possibly imagine why,"_ The Silver Surfer texted back to Galactus.

" _I knwo, right? Must be that tome of the month lol"_

Surfer facepalmed; he'd forgotten sarcasm didn't work well in text. " _Sir, Stardust doesn't have a menstrual cycle. She's an Ethereal."_

" _dAmn, guess that's just how women are lol. So anywayd, I had this idea./"_

" _...And?"_

" _And, well… I discroved rap the Other day, soo.."_

" _Rap? Galan, no."_

" _dUde, just pne rap battle. I picked my outfit frim stuff on Pinstret, Imma look heela dope."_ The Silver Surfer stared at his screen, wondering which part of the text was worse.

"Sure, why not…" The Surfer said to himself. _It's not like it could make this situation any worse. "Okay, I'll do it, on one condition."_

" _SWeet! lol sO what Os It?"_

" _Let me have some Cosmic Sauce if I win."_

" _LOl that's a bIg if son. iMma holla atcha lader. PEACE!"_

The Surfer thought about it for a moment, then texted Stardust, " _How do you feel about being a hype man?"_

~oOo~

The Silver Surfer looked around the bridge of the Taa 2: standing with Galactus were Death and Thanos, and a handful of his former heralds; backing up the Surfer were Stardust and The One as well as the Fantastic Four. The Surfer thought they would back out when they discovered what the situation really was, but Johnny Storm insisted on being there to get footage of it.

"Hey y'all make some noise!" Shouted the host of the event, a tall earth male with sunglasses and a thick beard. The gathered crowd cheered loudly, starting to chant "Ga-lac-tus!" before the host quieted them. "It's the Sauce Boss and the Boss with the Cosmic Sauce here with the Silver Surfer! Now here's how it's gonna go down," The host said to the Surfer and Galactus, "Each of you will get three rounds, not timed or anything but keep it pretty short. Now who's up first?!" The host shouted, gesturing for the crowd to cheer again. The Surfer took a closer look at Galactus: he was wearing a vast white t-shirt and a pair of black shorts, and a thick gold chain around his neck. He stepped forwards, trying to fold his arms but instead hitting himself on the elbow and biceps; the Surfer could smell the Cosmic Sauce on his breath.

"I'll take the frist verse," Galactus volunteered. He adjusted his chain and began,

"Uh, I wrote this verse on the sofa

My rhymes are nuts, like bofa

To beat me, you'll need some practice

Son, you're up against Galactus!" Galactus said bars- or something like it, the Surfer couldn't tell- and showed off his chain for the crowd before continuing.

"Yo, I got the power cosmic

I rhyme like a comet,

If there was a problem, I'd solve it

Now duck my jab, or eat all of it!" Galactus playfully extended his arm in the Silver Surfer's direction, wobbling for a moment before getting his balance back.

"You'll be terminaned,

But in my next round I'll be back

I eat planets, fool

You are just a light snack!" Galactu said "Bars" again, and dusted off his shoulder as he stepped back. The Silver Surfer sighed, and stepped up to deliver his verse.

"A rap battle?

If I cloned myself, you couldn't touch both of me

Suck bofa deez

Stone wall like Trips in the nineties-

You ain't going over me

There's no way you'll get beyond me

You couldn't surf with the alien

If you were Joe Satriani

Let's face it Galan-

Drunk or sober, your rhymes are just _bad_

But from Zenn-la to Earth,

I always keep it rad

Put you on ice,

Take a bite outta you like a Klondike!" The Surfer turned to the crowd, who had fallen silent. "BARS."

"I AIN'T SCURRED! I AIN'T SCURRED!" Galactus boasted, stomping around the bridge. "A'ight! Here we go! Verse two!"

"First name ever,

Last name greatest

Like the Ultimate Nullifier,

I ain't nothing to play with

I eat lots of planets,

And thanks to all the haters

I know the Fantastic Four

On a first name basis

I've eaten lots of races

Like they were cereal

Like the Ethereals

Is Siri real?

I eat cheery eels

And slippery heels

I dearly feels

Rap in my soul

I'm on patrol

I'm in control

Like a remote control

Mute button, biotch!" Galactus threw up his hands, the crowd roaring for him. The Silver Surfer shook his head, and got ready for his second verse.

"I don't even know what that verse was about,

Or how you managed to rap

With Drake's dick in your mouth

Oh wait, if it was about eating,

I guess it'd make sense

In the same way as that text about Stardust's mensis

This round's senseless, admit you're defeated

You may think you've gone primal,

Your style beyond my vision, like you're the Rain Man

But I'm a dragon, sky high,

And I'm about to end your reign, man

Basically, in your next verse, I'll ignore you

Hand me some Cosmic Sauce,

So I can pour out a little for you."

The crowd had fallen silent again, and as the moment stretched out, Galactus began to realize why. "Hey yo, I nominate Thanos as my second. He's gonna take my place in this last round."

"No I'm not."

"How about you, Death? ...Death? Why are your shoulders shaking?"

The host of the battle stepped over and put his hand on Galactus' knee. "It's over, son. Sorry." He said quietly. "Alright! The winner of this battle and recipient of that a-Cosmic a-Sauce is… THE SILVER SURFER! Make some noise for these two guys!" The crowd clapped hesitantly, unsure if it was safe to do so.

"Do I even want to know where you learned to rap?" Sue Richards asked.

"You don't. You really, really don't." The Surfer accepted the can of Cosmic Sauce from the battle host with a nod, and turned back to the Fantastic Four. "Now that I've got my hands on this, I think we should head back to my quarters to analyze it." Sue and Reed nodded, and the Surfer teleported them and the others to his lab.

Reed whistled. "Nice place you've got here."

"There are a lot of things I can do with the power cosmic, but some that I still do by hand out of habit," The Silver Surfer explained, as he got out a test tube and poured some Cosmic Sauce in it. A few more samples were taken, and Reed and Sue loaded them into the centrifuge.

"How long has this been going on?" Ben asked as the centrifuge was started up.

"More than a month," The Surfer replied. "Stardust and I just finished our search of intergalactic liquor stores the other day, and this was the only way to get some Cosmic Sauce." Surfer looked over at the Fantastic Four. "I'm sorry to drag you all into this."

"Hey," Johnny said, "If it's so serious the Silver Surfer has to resort to battle rap to solve the problem, I'll be glad to help."

"If it means preventing more disasters like whatever got Thanos the Ultimate Nullifier, it's not a problem at all," Reed said more seriously. "I mean, it's kind of in the job description for us."

"What…?!" Everyone turned to look at Stardust, who had gravitated towards where the Silver Surfer had left the can of Cosmic Sauce.

"What is it?" Surfer asked.

"I… I was inspecting the liquid with my senses, and… its energy is almost identical to the power cosmic that Galactus carries."

"So… that would mean…"

"That would mean it's like the nullifier," The One said to Sue.

"As aspect of himself that is almost fully indestructible…" The Surfer concluded. "This… complicates things."

"Can I see the can?" The One asked Stardust. She moved aside slightly, and The One walked over to pick it up off the counter. A look of concentration came over his face, and in a moment a small column of golden light leapt up from the counter, a pack of Cosmic Sauce appearing with a holographic flicker in it. "...That's all that I could find nearby. There might be more out there, somewhere."

"What are we going to do with it?" Johnny asked.

"I have an idea," The One answered, staring at the can of Cosmic Sauce in his hand. "But I think we should find out how and why the sauce was created, so it won't happen again."

"Which would mean waiting until Galactus is sober if we want to get a straight answer," Said the Silver Surfer. "That could be a while."

"But it's what we'll have to do..." The One solemnly said.

~oOo~

"Should we knock, or what?" Sue asked.

"No need to, he'll probably have sensed us coming," The Surfer assured her. With a wave of his hand he unlocked and opened the doors to Galactus' chambers. For a moment the Fantastic Four were in awe of the furnishings and decorations, but the Surfer led them on at a brisk pace. After winding through the lushly appointed halls for several moments, they came upon Galactus' reflection chambers. He was in the outermost one, facing the starry darkness beyond the window. "Sir?"

"I was wondering when you would show up," Galactus said. "After the Cosmic Sauce went missing I knew you were up to something."

"It's about the Cosmic Sauce," Said The One.

Galactus nodded. "Hold on a moment, let me sign out of Pinterest."

"You've got a Pinterest?" Sue asked incredulously. "What's on your pinboard?"

"Mostly a number of things I can't remember from when I've been drunk, like how to age cheese in sheep rectums. But while sober I've been pinning lots of things related to architecture and landscaping; I've been thinking about redecorating parts of the Taa Two and terraforming some of the orbiting planets."

"Cheese in _sheep rectums?_ " Johnny wheezed out.

"No longer a part of a living sheep, but yes. I have an advance sample where I used the power cosmic to accelerate the aging process, the taste is mindblowing." Galactus cleared his throat. "But, about the Cosmic Sauce…"

"A while ago Stardust discovered that it's actually an aspect of you, similar to the Ultimate Nullifier," The Silver Surfer began. "We need to know how it was created."

"While four of Earth's mightiest heroes are in the room? Norrin, please." Galactus looked over at the Fantastic Four, and sighed. "...It was made the same way the nullifier was: a fracturing, of sorts. The nullifier… it came about when I awoke and the hunger first struck deep. It was once formless as I had been, but I shaped and refined its purpose, until it had taken its final form…"

"And the Cosmic Sauce?" The Surfer prompted.

Galactus was silent for a long while before answering. "...It was born from the time when Norrin led the Kree and Shi'ar against me, and used the Taa Two as a weapon. Hunger… hunger, I have accepted as a fact of my existence, but not despair. To be dispersed, to come so close to dying without having fulfilled my purpose… that, I could not accept."

"None of us could accept that," Ben said.

"True, but it haunts me, still. I… can accept that I have made mistakes while drinking. But I will have no part in despair, I _will not_ go back to it."

"Maybe you could terraform planets and raise sheep on them to make cheese," Reed suggested with a shrug.

Unexpectedly, The One began to laugh. "Just… the idea of Galactus in overalls, sitting on a hill with a stalk of wheat in his mouth as he watches his flock…" The others chuckled softly for a moment, and Galactus spoke again.

"A worthy proposition, actually. I have much to oversee, but perhaps, I might stave off despair by shaping and guarding… yes, I shall do so."

"Well, if you're sure of the decision, I'll go ahead and dispose of this," Said The One, holding up the pack of the Cosmic Sauce. Galactus nodded, and The One looked to the Surfer. "Could you drop me off on Lanug real quick? I'm gonna need to be somewhere really isolated for this."

"Of course. If you'll excuse us…" The Silver Surfer let The One onto his board, and they silently vanished a moment later. A few moments more, and the Surfer reappeared.

"It'll be difficult, I'm sure, but I really think you've made the right choice here, Galactus." Said Reed. The rest of the Fantastic Four nodded in agreement, as well as the Silver Surfer and Stardust.

"Perhaps a feast to celebrate?" Galactus suggested with a smirk. He tapped something on his tablet, and out of thin air a table laden with a steaming hot array of food and drinks in crystal goblets appeared.

Johnny raised a goblet. "To ass cheese and brighter days!"

Galactus laughed. "I'll drink to that."


End file.
